In a bold move to establish herself as the Martha Stewart of American democracy, Dr. Jill Biden has rolled out a revamped tour of the White House. That’s right, folks, because when it comes to tackling your average American’s life problems, nothing quite says “I’ve got you” like a multimillion-dollar tour makeover of the country’s fanciest rental property.
First up, tourists can swoon over previously forbidden areas like the Vermeil Room, the Library, and the China Room. No longer will you have to dream about touching those decadent artifacts from behind the velvet ropes. Now, thanks to an upgrade even HGTV would envy, you can get up close and personal with the House’s historical tchotchkes.
More thrillingly, now up for grabs on the tour is the Diplomatic Reception Room. Yes, that iconic space where FDR delivered his “fireside chats” is now yours to peruse between yawns and thoughts of “what’s for lunch?”
But it gets better. The mystical “reader rails” throughout the route promise interactive delight with tactile wonders. Imagine the thrill of fondling a replica of the Bellangé trim —because nothing spells satisfaction like feeling decorative upholstery.
To keep things thoroughly modern, static photo exhibits are out; they’ve been replaced with dynamic digital screens that decide on a whim to show archive content or just remind us that nobody is reading books anymore. Trust me, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve stood beside a 3D model of the White House, marveling at its storied architecture while pondering your own life’s architectural disasters.
For a truly immersive experience, the new tour features a video welcome from Dr. Biden and a charming message from President Joe Biden himself. If that’s not enough to titillate your presidential fancy, rotating images of past presidents and royalty gracing the same spot as your weary feet bring a historic tenor to the occasion, just in case you wondered who wore the carpet before you.
This stunning reimagining was brought to you in association with none other than the History Channel. For the modest price of $5 million, they’ve guaranteed their place in the annals of educational opportunism, revamping history tours just as they’ve done for Ellis Island and Gettysburg. One can only hope that someday, someone will finally tackle the real educational travesties: middle school lunch breaks.
With plans for continuous updates during the next presidential transition, it’s comforting to know that while administrations may change, the innovations to your self-guided White House tour are forever. President Biden assures us of the temporary nature of his stay by labeling the White House “the People’s House,” reminding us that while guests come and go, these walls have tales to tell, mostly to the visiting masses looking for excuses to skip out of work early.
So, there you have it: a timeless tradition polished and primped so tourists can connect to the history of their beloved leaders’ abode without interruption. Because what could be more crucial to democracy than ensuring there’s more to “touch, hear, and see up close”?
